How To Be The Sexiest Woman in The World, Volume I
here’s the other secret: you ARE the sexiest woman in the world.
ssssssh don’t tell anyone but here’s the secret to being sexy:
realize that being sexy isn’t (only) about the physicality of appearance and the carnality of sex.
Sexy is NOT about your looks (promise!), your hip-to-waist ratio, or being the most beautiful creature in the room.
Really. Promise.
Those things are nice, but not essential. Many a great seductress throughout history has deviated from the social ideal of beauty in her time and still enthralled and entranced the men and women of her choosing.
Yet we modern women have been trained to expect that being ‘beautiful enough’ to command love and sexual desire is an incredibly difficult task. We learn this from The Beauty Myth, The Beauty Industry, The Beauty Police, et al.
And sure, beauty is excellent. White teeth and bright eyes and clear skin – well, we all like those things for a reason.
But attraction and sexuality is, I think, simpler than the Beauty Police permit.
The physical act of sex, for example, is really simple. This goes There. (Or there or there or there.)
We can make it complicated, but whether it is complicated, fancy or boring, it is still pretty good and pretty simple.
(It is easy to be great at sex because it is simple. Enthusiasm goes a long way. There.)
The part that is a little more difficult is the social stuff barnacled onto sex.
A sexpert I know, Jennifer S of Libido Lounge, says that the social stuff is sex. Jennifer teaches that if you want to be good at sex, and gets lots of it by making people want to want to have sex with you, then you’ve got to get the social, interpersonal stuff handled.
And the way you get the social, interpersonal stuff handled is by realizing this:
We are all nervous and screwed up and want to be liked.
I’m shy (or I used to be). I used to wait for people to make me feel comfortable and so I was always uncomfortable.
But here’s what I’ve learned that makes me sexy. Here’s my super sexy secret:
Be the person who makes other people feel comfortable
…and you will be magnetic.
And that’s sexy. That’s how you become the sexiest woman in the world.
——————————-
psssst This was “How To Be the Sexiest Woman in The World, Volume I.”
you can find Volume II here
Here’s one thing I discovered this weekend. Sexy is asexual and isn’t an emotion/feeling/sentiment/action/demonstration restricted in appealing to the opposite sex, whether you’re hetero or homo.
I saw a stage show (entirely clean – I’m not THAT kind of geek boy) where some guy was doing something completely straight, but in a subtly sexy way.
I was captivated as he evoked some kind of carnal display reminiscing a neanderthal mating insinuation.
I didn’t feel filthy afterwards but it made me realise that boys can be sexy to boys, just as girls can be sexy to girls (that’s right, right?) and not necessarily in a way that Charlie Sheen would be dribbling over in Two and a Half Men. Yes, I watch it. Yes, I love it. It’s like Sex and the City for the everyman in our lives.
Rock on, KD.
@Dave Thackeray, yep. A man with the moves can signal intent and availability by body language alone. A man without the moves… no chance.
@Dave Thackeray,
Too right. I think anyone can find anything/one attractive/appealing – it does not neccessarily mean you are bi- or homosexual, or that they want to “do” anything with them, or get involved with them.
Jennifer is dead right. For more than one reason. Getting real with the social side does a lot to increase comfort and security – for both parties – once clothes to start fly. The better you know that other person, the more fulfilling it’s likely to be.
And here’s the thing: long amounts of time spent together has very little to do with social comfort in this arena. Quantity matters far less than quality. Getting to that feeling of “just knowing” can happen very quickly… or not at all.
I better start before I break into a rap…
@Dave Doolin, Come on: break into the rap…
It’s natural for people to feel uncomfortable around me because it forces them to face their own fears of living with a disability.
To have the ability to make people feel comfortable is an art and a true gift I will continue to strive towards.
Hell yes, I also want to be sexy — despite being paralyzed from my neck down.
@Tracy Todd, Thank you for your inspiration, Tracy. Oh, and inspiration is sexy.
@Tracy Todd,
I also have a disability which severely restricts my life as I am mostly bedbound, but believe me you can still be sexy even if it doesnt feel like it, in the bits of you that can move! ie your smile
So true! The social side is so much harder than the sexy side.
From my point of view, a guy’s point of view, and maybe just this guy, sexy is in your head, not in your body.
I have seen what the world would call beautiful girls walk by, but they didn’t stand up straight, or they had a victim look, or some other quality that made me glance and that was it. I have also seen girls with a big nose, too tall, too short, no boobs, too much boobs, whatever, but she walked tall and had an attitude of, “I could f*** your socks off, but I’m not going to. I was drooling!
The same goes for in bed, or wherever you have sex. It’s in your head. Lay there like a dead fish and I don’t care what goes where, it ain’t good. Have someone who has the a fore mentioned person’s attitude only now I am on the receiving end, and it is great!
Isn’t this the key to a fantastic life? Having the attitude is what makes it. I think the same is true no matter if we’re talking about sex, or blogging, or making pizza. Go at it with pizazz and it’s great. Go at it like you would rather be somewhere else and everyone around you will wish it too.
Woman: you’ve got the secret down. You display it openly. You offer the very thing that you desire. And you deserve it all.
Thanks for always speaking your truth – and inviting me to my own. Again.
@Ronna, I wonder if you didn’t just hit the nail on the head with this:
“You offer the very thing that you desire.”
I don’t think that’s how to be sexy, but how to be sexy to the people you want to want you. Don’t you think?
Or maybe it’s just the answer to life in general. Someone once told me that if I wanted friends I need to BE the friend; though it seems off topic that’s what this post keeps making me think of.
If we all go around desperately wanting and seeking, who wants desperate? But everyone wants being and ease – that’s why Kelly’s so right. So, the lesson for the “rest of us” (who have their sexy pre-packaged at home – not that I’m advocating taking your Sexy Other for granted) is that people are drawn to others who Are the friend, who offer the ease and the being. You want people in your life (for that sex thing, for friendship, for business) then you need to take Kelly’s advice and be the Ease maker, the Be-er, the Friend. Right? Be what you want to attract…
Yours,
Megan
@Megan, ‘Totally agree, Megan. The first step, of course, is actually knowing what it is we desire – and then naming it! Many of us get stopped right there. But once we have?!? We can’t help but attract the same (or hold out for it) because we are clear…
Kelly is clear. I am clear. Clearly, you are clear. We’re all SO sexy then, don’t you think?!? And articulate. And strong. And…and…and…
Who can resist?
@Ronna, That’s us, totally irresistible. Robert Palmer, here we come
.
Yours,
Megan
You’ve just described my oldest child. Perfectly. She can pick up a guy in the checkout line of a retail store. I’ve always wondered what it is about her, and this is it. She makes other people (especially guys) feel comfortable, and as Steve said, she has an attitude that states exactly what she could do, but isn’t going to do. Makes other girls around her nuts, because they don’t have IT. They accuse her of flirting when she’s just being herself.
Right on, Kelly!
Thanks for this – I found it via a link on twitter. It came at the right time because I’ve been thinking about writing an article on sex and relationships for people with chronic illnesses or who have difficulty finding one/it. It has given me a reason to think, what you have written. I’d have to agree about the whole social thing – people that get on well with others and know how to act in certain situations in a way that will be accepted are more attractive to most of us, as, of course, is confidence.
@Sophie, this sounds fascinating…I would love to read the piece you’re thinking about writing.
True, true, all true. And what a great conclusion:
“Be the person who makes other people feel comfortable, and you will be a magnet.”
Absolutely.
In belly dance we’ve learned that it’s 90% attitude. Sure, you learn the moves, you practice the moves, but when it comes time to perform, attitude is the most important element.
And so it is with life, in so many ways. Especially when it comes to sex and sexiness.
Yup. Bring it.
(and wear your boots)
Hugs and butterflies,
~T~
Agreed, totally. I’d add two things:
Eye contact
Confidence (as in act confident, even when you aren’t).
Arms crossed over fantastic breasts: not sexy
Walking proud into the room with less than fantastic breasts WHILE making eye contact with playmate: HOT HOT HOT
@Kelly, What are “less than fantastic breasts”? I mean, I thought ALL breasts were fantastic. Maybe not to my man, but that other guy over there is just drooling so…
Yours,
Megan
@Megan, what she said…
just so damn true.
i think the times i’ve felt the most confident, the most social, the most in-tune with myself & the world are the times i’ve been sexiest & had the best sex. anti-social sex is not good – and it’s not at all sexy.
There can be no doubt that physical beauty does not necessarily equate to sexiness.
I have spent my life studying women. Ya’ll are an endless source of fascination to me.
It is amazing to me the different types of women who can spark a response in me.
The very competent black girl helping me with my new phone.
Casually leaning across the counter exposing a bit of breast. A clean fresh smell. Asking me to come closer as she showed me what was on the screen. Looking at me and seeing me. A slow beautiful smile for me. A quick genuine laugh at my lame joke. Every button she pushed on that phone was my buttons.
Was she coming onto me? Nope-that was just her.
Still-I had an erection all the way home.
The not so young lady with the delicious walk.
The enchanting sculptress totally intent on her work with plaster on her hands and face. Would she notice if
I slipped up behind her fondled her while she fondled her work?
And on and on.
Ladies you all have it. All you have to do is let me see it.
Well, crap. Now I don’t have to teach my class on networking, because you gave away the secret:
>Be the person who makes other people feel comfortable, and you will be a magnet.<
What a lovely, genuine post. Thanks Kelly!
@Peggie, what a lovely, genuine comment! Thank YOU, Peggie.
Yes!
When I first met my now-husband, he was awkward and mopey at social things (and in college, life is an unending “social thing”).
I told him that he would be a heckava lot less awkward if he asked about OTHER people.
I told him, “people like to talk about themselves, you will be the hottest, smartest, most well-liked person in the room if you let them”.
He called it being flirty, you call it being sexy, I call it being interesting (interested!)
I’ve heard it said (maybe it was Nicole Kidman – maybe she was a courtesan in a movie filled with straightlaced stick in the muds
) that the sexiest part of a woman is her MIND. She ate a banana while she made her point. ok not the most literary or high brow allusion – but that doesn’t make it any less legit, right?
I think that’s true for guys too.
And I’m with Steve. It’s an attitude that makes you good at LIFE. The sex is a side benefit.
How lovely.
I awoke this morning, grabbed the baby out of his crib, fed him a bottle and put him down to practice his crawling.
Then I turned on my computer and scrolled through 70 emails from overnight.
I opened my feed and ran across your blog post and noted with glee that I have quoted, linked to and talked about.
I’m delighted to have given you something so valuable to chew on.
Wonderful article, thanks for citing me.
XOXOXOXOXO
And then I think, well, the real trick to me making others comfortable is being comfortable with myself.
Keep speaking it Kelly, A sexier world is a better world.
@Sean, “A sexier world is a better world.”
First line of a manifesto. Just sayin’
I love this topic, Kelly! But to me, what you’re describing as a woman, and the ways to achieve it, has more to do with becoming generally ATTRACTIVE, than specifically oozing sexuality.
SEXUAL attraction fascinates me. It’s puzzling. Is it something a woman turns ON and OFF like a microwave unit? Or does the idea of sexiness generate inside ME as some primal biological drive associated with breeding? I’m not a big guy. I’m attracted to tiny hard bodies with big breasts. Is that Mr. Penis heat seeking? Or is my emotional self appreciating physical beauty in my size range? Yes and yes, I guess. Yet, I can also gawk at a ten bod with a nine, plus face and not feel any physical attraction whatsoever. So for me at least, sexuality is more than skin and bones packaging.
Years ago I met a girl at a party who made it clear, with words, that she wanted sex. She made it obvious in another way. I felt the air ripple hot around us. Was the lure I was sensing coming from her? Or was I just a horny dog looking for another knee cap to hump? I needed a reality check. I asked around. My friend Adam felt the heat too. And he was sitting across the room. So did my Greek host, Aris, in the kitchen. And so did my wife, when she sat down next to me on the couch. Not a festive moment.
Was the gal pretty? Sort of. Was she dressed to kill? Not particularly. Was she sexy? Off the charts. Did she induce me to feel comfortable? NO! I still remember the tension, thirty years later!
How do you girls turn it ON like that?
Irv
Disability (or chronic ilness) and sex is interesting. I once had someone say to me, in a general discussion about love, marriage etc. ‘You’ll find someone of your own kind one day.’
Er, what?! How I wish I could have been quick enough to say, ‘You mean smart, funny and just plain wonderful?’
Another thing I’ve learned: feeling sexy is the last thing I can manage when the world has fallen out of my bottom. Anyone with Ulcerative Colitis or Crohn’s will probably understand that!
Wow! I have a cool cousin! Glad to have found u through facebook or I’d have never known! Thought provoking stuff!!
T
I love this–what a good reminder about what is REALLY important.
xo
my mom suffered colitis last year and it was quite an expensive disease..”‘
[...] I loved “How to be sexy” by Kelly Diels, who writes on Cleavage. Being sexy is far more than physical beauty, it is [...]
Hi,
Thanks for the tip! I intuitively knew this, but it was good to be reminded again. It also reminds me of issues my current partner has and why.
I believe it really does have to do with being your most authentic self, and being so comfortable with who you really are, that you really do become a magnet. Other people are so comfortable with you, they can be perfectly who they actually are.
Nice blog – I look forward to reading the rest.
Kara
Nice Post ……:)
[...] I was happy to prance around looking cute, but I didn’t want to touch or be touched. I was utterly unapproachable. I should have gone to a regular ol’ night club and posed. Instead, I fucking scampered out [...]
[...] And…in case you’re interested, here’s How to Be Sexy, volume I. [...]